Survivor Begins – Survivor Explained. Episode 1

After reading various Survivor: The Australian Outback articles and checking out several websites, I have concluded that there exists a journalistic void. Oh sure, you can read details about the contestants’ backgrounds and why they are there and all that. You may even gain greater insight, understanding, and appreciation for what they are going through. But there needs to be more discussion about the babes, their lack of clothing, and the gross stuff that happens. Also, the REAL reasons why someone is voted off needs to be explained.

And so, I shall play the role of The Typical Manly Man – that particular male species who watches sports and swimsuit videos, who insists that people think and feel far too much, and who doesn’t hesitate in the least to burp or fart or allow the crack of his ass to show. He’s probably not all that educated, and even if he was, he surely drank too much during that process. He controls the remote. He laughs out loud when a waitress trips and breaks things. He eats lots and lots of meat and catsup. This is the role I shall play. This is the person that’s needed to fill the journalistic void left open by those pansy creative writer types. This is the person I shall be for benefit of fairness, equality, and truth.

Well, actually… probably not any of that stuff, but what the heck.

‘Nuf said.

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So, here’s the gist of Survivor: The Australian Outback:

A lot of babes, a few other women, and some guys have decided to get themselves on TV to play mind games and eat a lot of crap. None of them really expect to win the $1 Million. Sure, they’d LIKE to, but the real reason for being on Survivor is so that people will look at them and see how beautiful and/or smart and/or strong and/or resourceful they are. And don’t even talk to me about how they desire overcoming adversity and life challenges on a spiritual and self-awareness to-there-and-back journey. They are there so they can eventually be in Nike commercials.

Allow me to recap everything that’s happened during the first episode:

They were flown to Australia in a rickety plane designed to cause people to throw up. They were then taken to some remote jungle-type place very much like South-Central Missouri (where I went to college – so I know), divided into two groups, and then told to walk a long d*mn way during which an ugly woman thought it best to p*ss everyone off. She was quickly the first person voted off the island so that she could be with her fiance’ step-son who probably doesn’t care that she’s so ugly because she probably gives him lots of sex.

Prior to this, they were split into two groups, or tribes – the Kowabunga Tribe and the Ooga-ooga Tribe (I think that’s what they’re called). Upon arriving at camp, they had basically two goals: build a fire and pose for the cameras in a way that makes people think they are actually contemplating survival in this cruel, unforgiving land.

Some people insist that I’m not the smartest person in the world. But even if I wasn’t, if I were to be flown into the middle of nowhere with no matches or rock-n-roll lighters, I sure as hell would have learned how to build a Boy Scout fire. Everyone agreed that this is the most important task, but did they even freaking bother to read about it or learn how it’s really done. Oh sure, one person READ about it, but never actually TRIED it beforehand. This is the same woman that was voted off. Not only was she dang ugly, but she proved again and again how stupid she was each time she mentioned those books.

And I witnessed another brilliant idea. While one person (a MAN who apparently DID do thorough fire starting research – I need not say more) was working his nifty contraption causing smoke even, but alas, no fire, it was suggested that Jerri, the actress babe, use her luxury item bongo drum to bang out a funky beat to inspire the fire starting action. Not only was this suggested, but she actually DID it. I almost broke my golden rule – no matter how stupid or dumb, she’s still a babe and babes are just nice to have around. I decided to keep her, but it was an admitted struggle. My reasoning was that maybe she’ll end up with less clothes on as the show progresses.

Let’s discuss luxury items.

Imagine being out in the middle of nowhere. You’re starving because you can’t start a fire and the fruit has bugs in it. You’ve just been bitten by a snake but it doesn’t effect you because you already had a layer of swollen flesh due to bug bites. What do you do?

I know!

You take out your bongo drum and play a funky beat. You can also gather the others and play a few mean games of Scrabble and Backgammon while we all brush our hair, put on lipstick and eyeliner and war paint. We can also break out the coloring book and crayons and sing a splendid mixture of Broadway tunes. THAT’ll do it! All problems solved! We will SURVIVE!!

I thought it was cool when the guy bit into the piece of fruit and got a mouthful of bugs. I hope there’s more gross stuff like that. Speaking of bugs, what is the vegetarian going to eat during this whole time? She’s going to starve, or at least get down to a similar body-fat percentage as the personal trainer, which wouldn’t be all that bad.

Speaking of which, it is my sincere hope that this personal trainer lasts until the very end. After several weeks in this place, even the babes will start to approach ugly. All that will be left to look at and drool over are the bodies. So, for goodness’ sake, let the one who asks if her butt is still rock solid to remain on the show as long as possible.

The only other important thing to happen during the first episode is when the blonde shoe-designer babe wondered aloud how she was going to masturbate in the crowded shelter. Babes openly masturbating or even talking about it is always a good thing. However (ladies take note), once this information is shared, we guys need nothing else. We don’t care if you’re intelligent or interesting or have amusing tales to tell. This is why she annoyed so many people that first night. She mentioned masturbation, and then didn’t shut the hell up. She was already a finalist, but she blew it by refusing to close the squeaky door.

A bunch of other stuff happened, too, but those weren’t all that important when comparing it to skimpy clothes and babes masturbating.

Supposedly, in the next episode, someone will be accused of cheating (I can’t imagine how one would one cheat unless she were a babe offering free fondles for non-votes, of which I’d easily agree to). Also, I believe the vegetarian will be forced to eat maybe a cute and cuddly little rabbit while one of the guys is possibly booted since he can’t really swim.

Until next time…

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